here were a few things I expected to encounter when I set out to catch up on Project Life scrapbooking – which has fallen to the wayside for a full YEAR.
I expected to get burnt out (but was determined to push through).
I expected to feel accomplished each time I finished another month.
I expected to have tired wrists from that much journaling.
Here’s what I did not anticipate: getting all weepy and sad.
I was doing just FINE until I got to June. February, March, April, May – bam, bam, bam, bam. I powered them out and was feeling great. I got into a rhythm and when the day came to tackle June, I was actually excited to wake up and get right to it.
*I haven’t done the journaling portion for these spreads yet – so that’s why you’ll see some blank journal cards.
There was a lot that happened last June. It was a monster month for us. Bobby was already up in Vermont by that point, but I was still in New Orleans wrapping up the school year. This was far from a lackadaisical event because we still had structured summer school, meetings, and professional development. On top of this, I was packing up 5 years of teaching – figuring out what I would take with me and what I would leave for the next interventionist, sorting through all my files, scrubbing down my classroom. It was a lot.
Not to mention the emotional work of saying goodbye to my incredible colleagues and knowing that I wouldn’t see these sweet faces everyday…
In addition to ending the chapter of teaching, I was trying to soak up time with friends whom I had come to love so dearly. There were goodbye parties and goodbye one-on-one dinners and “this is the last time I may ever go to xyz” weekends.
There was the stress of packing up the remainder of the house. Bobby had done a lot of the big stuff before he left for Vermont but I/we had severely underestimated what it would take for the final push.
Even taking down everything that had artfully accumulated on the fridge was surprisingly difficult and sad.
There was the emotional work of saying goodbye to that house – that gorgeous, historic, Garden District house with a pool and a palm tree. We had lived in a dream for 2 years – with best friends LITERALLY 30 feet away in the front house. Saying goodbye to that was gut wrenching.
In short, my last month in New Orleans was one of the most emotional I’ve been through in awhile. But I thought I had DONE all that – I had made it through alive. And then this Project Life catch-up came along…and I was a mess.
All I was doing was sorting photos and slipping them into pockets – but I really felt like I was doing the move all over. I re-lived the goodbyes. I read the heartfelt notes from friends and co-workers and cried over everyone that we left behind, all those precious relationships. I re-lived the stressful whirlwind of boxing up my classroom, waving goodbye to the kids on the bus, knowing it would be my last time doing that. I re-lived the panic of trying to stuff everything into our storage unit by myself in the scorching New Orleans sun and then pulling an all-nighter before my flight out to Vermont…scrubbing walls furiously, washing floors, making sure everything was spotless so we could get our security deposit back.
It felt as if I had to hold my breath through most of that month. There were certainly moments where I let everything sink in and feel raw – but then I would quickly gasp for some air and try my best to keep on plowing through.
This week, I started to exhale again. Everything came flooding back.
I reached out for a lifeline and texted three of my dearest friends from my time in New Orleans. We’re all separated by 100s and 1000s of miles, but MAN does group messaging make a difference. They all said empathic, encouraging, lovely things and Anne reminded me of this:
I finally realized that it was okay to be feeling these things. I can still be grateful for where I’m at today in this moment while honoring the ache for what was left behind. It’s okay that my heart hasn’t quite caught up to 21st century living where we leave our communities and trek back and forth across the country as if human beings have always done this. We haven’t always done this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not yearning to go back to the time of hunters and gatherers, but it was nice to gain some perspective.
So if your heart is in a similar space – if you’ve left something behind and you feel yourself get the achiness in your chest – let me be Anne to you. Let me tell you that it’s okay, normal, necessary to mourn what you’ve left behind. Goodbyes are important, even if they pop up multiple times. Even if you thought the goodbye part was over. Even if it’s been months or years. It’s okay.
“It’s important in life to conclude things properly. Only then can you let go. Otherwise, you are left with words you should have said but never did, and your heart is heavy with remorse.”
–Life of Pi by Yann Martel
There are days when we’ll relish our new situations. But if today is not that day – know that there is a girl in Miami who understands.
Grace – this pulled on my heart strings in the best of ways. No truer words have been spoken. Thank you for sharing these heartfelt thoughts and insight! You’re such a blessing!!
Anna, thank YOU for taking the time to let me know! This moving gig is tough but it’s so good to know that there are other people who can relate. Thank you for being so affirming, that makes a world of difference for me! xoxo
Lovely, Grace.
Thank you, Adrienne – and thank you for being such a loyal reader!
Grace, I’m so proud of you for what you’ve accomplished – as well as your wisdom and strength in handling this very difficult assignment in life: moving and saying good-bye. Thanks for passing along that wisdom to the rest of us. You rock, girl! xoxo
Thanks, Mom! My 20s are teaching me a lot, that’s for sure. It certainly makes it easier that the constants in my life – my family – are just a phone call away. You’re the best! xoxo
I’ve never made a single move and not been completely distraught no matter how much I love where I moved to. Lives left behind never rest peacefully in our memories, nor should they. I think to remember that liveliness and that vividness, the pain is worth it. However, that doesn’t really make it any easier!
Glad you’re getting a chance to “unpack” those experiences and document them for others. The spreads look beautiful. Since you last mentioned Project Life, I did download the app, and I’ve been playing around with it tonight. It’s not quite as fun as the thought of getting to physically slip cards and photographs in and out of plastic pockets, but it’s a good second best!
I have to say, that while I visited you during that time in NOLA, I never got the sense you didn’t have things absolutely under control and how you wanted them! :) I wish I could have helped you more at that time…
As for good-byes to students, I taught my ninth graders for the last time today. They will be taking their entrance exams for senior high schools next week and graduating on March 11th. I am going to be so sad to see them go!
Celeste, that’s such a good point about the pain being worth it – if you felt indifferent about leaving, then that would probably signify something about the time you had spent there. I’m glad that you’re trying out the Project Life App! I agree that it’s hard to beat the feeling of working with real paper, ephemera, and photos…but maybe you can try out that world once you’re back on this side of the ocean! You’re the sweetest about your comments from when we were both in Nola – I honestly don’t think I realized how stressed I was with all of the “tasks” until it got closer to the end. Just being able to spend time with you (whether eating kale salad or watching The Bachelorette while decorating mugs) was a huge moral boost! I’ll be thinking of you as you say goodbye to your students – that’s always so hard!
Grace
In our first 9 years of marriage, Mike was in the military and we moved every two or three years. Each time it was so, so hard. I came to appreciate having that heart as it meant I had connected and loved in each place we lived. Love your great big heart(and this blog!)
Lori
Lori, thank you for sharing that! It’s so comforting to realize/remember that there are strong women who have been through similar experiences and went through the same hardships of saying goodbye. I like the appreciation you came to develop – that’s a great perspective to realize that the reason it was hard was because you really connected to the place and were able to “bloom where you were planted.” Tucking that away in my heart!
Wow, thanks for sharing such personal memories. All this new moving and traveling is certainly having an impact in lots of people, including us, we’ve been moving every 6 to 10 months for the past five years.
So nice to keep in touch with your New Orleans’ pals, I bet you are getting stronger, and that big heart of yours is getting bigger and bigger.
Sending you a super hug.
Iliana, you guys are champions – WOW moving every 6 to 10 months for five years has got to be taxing! (I may need tips from you since Bobby and I just started embarking on that similar cycle…we are in year one but this could continue for awhile!). Sending a super hug right back to you!